I’ve been working with some enormously difficult counseling situations this month. Of course I can’t talk about them in a blog! But a common thread among several is that they are places where relationships have failed because of the human condition called sin! Sexual sin,Â depression, overwhelming fears. The list is long.
The point that makes me pause is how powerful trust is. Sherry and I have it. So when we talk, there’s the climate of trust that makes us begin leaning toward each other, hearing statements in a presumption that she loves me and wants my best. So misunderstandings are easy to clear up because we expect good will.
In other situations, that basic trust isn’t there. So there’s a presumption that something is being hidden, that if the whole story were out, then it would be much worse. Conversational phrases are examined for hidden meanings. Sentences are parsed with suspicion, expecting to find hurtful stuff.
Building relationship when the context becomes one of distrust is a huge challenge. How do you rebuild trust? Total disclosure of course, but what of the expectation that there’s a secret that’s being kept away from sight? Full explanation of course, but that’s hard to do when the explanation is viewed as a cover up. Perhaps take a time out for pain to ease. But that also takes away the positive side of relationship. End anything that promotes the distrust, of course. But sometimes the thing that promotes the distrust is a very good and important thing. Do beneficial things, of course. Give (and give up) precious things for the sake of the relationship and let that be seen.
What a conundrum.
God is doing similar things trying to rebuild our trust in Him. And we still suspect Him.
Switching topics: David, Samantha, Nicole and Joy were here this weekend in their moving trek. David and Joy are at Tadmor, their dream coming true! Sam and Nicole will go down today after Nicole’s dance convention. Seeing David’s dream happen is wonderful.
Elizabeth Anne is doing well. They hope to end oxygen support in the next couple of weeks. Susan is back at work and Donn is working from home for a month or so.
Cyndee is all by herself at Cannon Beach now. Sherry and I will go down today to hang with her.
I teach at MissionConneXion Friday and Saturday and then head off to Spokane to teach Perspectives on the World Christian Mission in Post Falls, Tri-Cities and Spokane before coming back on Wednesday morning. Writing on the third book is an uhappy reality in my life!
Any thoughts on building trust?
This is a fascinating point, Jered. The balance of integrity and hope is crucial. Hope is probably hit by deceit more than anything else, I think. It doesn’t need to know all the details for sure. In fact hope and trust are related closely. And trust doesn’t need to push down everywhere. In a life of grace, one doesn’t need to hide anything. It sees God as the helper and healer rather than the whacker (to use a technical term). So the confidence that everything is open for a look is basic. Then you don’t need to look all the time. The battle for our minds (both his and hers) is central.
congratulations on such a happy and healthy family! you’re so blessed with a unified tribe and those grandkids make you shine!
on trust: had it, lost it, earned it, fought for it, deserved it, got it. The trust my wife had for me in the beginning was blind and then she got an eyefull of reality. Yikes. After all of those “of course”es… that you mentioned b4, trust does return if the violator has integrity and the violatee has hope. I know a lot of women who quit the marriage because they have an ingrained belief that failure is inevitable. It’s a theology issue. I don’t believe that trust should be blind, in people and in God, it should be well founded trust in a credible person. But hope can be blind. By that I mean that it doesn’t need to know the details of how things are going to work out. It simply knows that things will because Christ won. When someone is hurt and their identity and value are devastated, can they believe Christus Victor? It’s a battle for her mind too.