We do the faculty-student softball games at our fall Western Seminary picnic here in Portland. This is Dave Wenzel’s “report” of the game. His humor will let you know how much fun we are having at Western these days.
Students Experience Matthew 22:13
“Then the Dean said to the Faculty-Staff softball team, Bind the students hand and foot and cast them into the outfield darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth, and the Faculty-Staff will once again have bragging rights for another academic year.”
Portland Oregon (AP) An anonymous student prophesied that the Western Seminary Students would break the 7 year Faculty-Staff winning streak, and the FS demonstrated once again that the students are at best mediocre softball players, and at worst false prophets.
A major shake-up appeared to be in store for the legendary FS team earlier this year when Veteran team General Manager and player-coach Lynn Ruark retired, creating an opening in both the front office and at the helm of the FS softball team. Heir apparent to the head coaching job, John Branner left the state suddenly. Branner, interviewed prior to boarding his hurried flight out of the state, was quoted as saying “Not in a million-billion-trillion years would I try to fill Ruark’s shoes. Those red cleats he wears are just too shinny for me. I’m outa here!”
In a somewhat shady move suggesting late night back-room maneuvering Team President Randy Roberts and front office vice president Rob Wiggins were able to force Ruark out of retirement for at least one more season. Baseball Insiders at ESPN have hinted that the recent blockbuster “Moneyball” may be metaphorically about Lynn Ruark, instead of the Oakland Athletics General Manager Billy Bean as previously thought. Sources have reported that Brad Pitt was seen shadowing Ruark while preparing for the movie. The unconventional GM tactics that Ruark uses certainly match those portrayed by Pitt in the movie. Ruark reportedly pays the FS team shortstop in Cheetos (the puffy kind). While this type of payment violates amateur status and may be illegal according to the league rules, when asked about the Cheetos payment and the league rules violation Ruark responded, “League Rules? What league rules? I am the rules baby!” Meanwhile shortstop Dave Wenzel denied the Cheetos payment, but his fingers did look orange. Students were demanding a blood test.
While arguably producing a win-loss record untouched by any other seminary coach, Ruark is known for his brutal practice and training schedule. He unrelentingly demands that the FS show up once a year, two minutes before the game. Then Ruark utilizes the first two innings of the game to scout his team and have them practice. In the third inning he settles his line-up into place. His methods have psychologically traumatized the students over the years who are led to believe that the FS are actually playing in the first two innings, instead of just warming up and practicing. Hence, the students often get a false sense of superiority as they take a “lead” which is usually, like Saturday, obliterated by the fifth inning.
True to historical form the FS demonstrated their fairness and grace by letting the students take an early lead. After going down 1-2-3 in the first inning, the students exploded for 12 runs over the next four innings, lead mainly by fielding errors by FS pitcher Norm Thiesen. By the middle of the 5th the students were falsely complacent in their 12-7 lead, assuming that the aging FS team would fade in the demanding late innings of the game. Instead, lead by three homers from Matt Rookie, the FS came roaring back with 12 unanswered runs and ending up crushing the disheartened Students 19-12.
The FS team, with balding heads and an average age of about 73.2 years, simply overwhelmed the younger, less experienced, overly confident students. Despite his fielding miscues, Thiesen quieted the student bats providing 7 solid innings of pitching. Rock-solid infield play from Ruark, Ruark, Wenzel, Aidan’s dad, and Bruce assisted Thiesen, while Marc Cortez, Brian Leport, Aidan, Matthew and Michael chased down the fly balls in the outfield. Mark Baker lead the team on the field with his positive attitude and hustle from behind the plate.
The victory leaves the student team in disarray. A multi-year losing streak is virtually inexplicable given the age of the FS team. Additionally, the students involved in the false prophecy may face official sanctions from the School Administration for violating the code of conduct. Dan Bates has been accused of the false prophecy. Dean Marc Cortez has stated that he will assemble a special, closed-door committee, with both FS and Student representatives, to look into the possible conduct violation. In an initial inquiry into Bates academic records, there doesn’t exist any evidence that he has even taken classes. It could be that FS insiders have added insult to injury by purging the database of any evidence that he has ever been a student. At any rate, the students will face the humiliation of another year of silence in the face of the continued Faculty Staff dominance.
And you will want to remember that there might be other perspectives on these events.
When Rob Bell speaks you have to listen. He is so compelling, so likeable, so confident. He has a contagious love for Jesus. He uses images, and metaphors, and ideas with incredible dexterity. So when he poetically probes questions about hell, we question too. He rightly wonders about people who feel they must declare proudly and noisily that Gandhi is in hell. He does a great job of deconstructing the hellfire and brimstone people, ones who see God getting glory out of people burning in hell. There are frustratingly many of these, though it’s much less common in the evangelicals associated with Western Seminary or the churches I minister in.